Monday we found out my three-year-old son has Asperger's Syndrome - a mild form of autism. It wasn't a real shock since we had suspected it for months, but the hard part came when the psychologist started explaining the road ahead for our little man. Again, it wasn't a huge surprise nor was it all that overwhelming. The part that hit me hard was how everything he described for Caleb's future was in my past.
Now I am not a shrink, nor will I be, but all the evidence (i.e. - asperger's is typically genetic through the male side, the striking similarities between my past and the psychologist's depiction of my son's future, my emotions and thoughts from childhood) points to me having asperger's too. For a day it didn't seem so bad, Caleb has it and I have it, so what? But the stress and anxiety of everything is getting to me now.
As a youth I was obsessed with things. Mostly video games because they are "safe" from the emotions and complications of the world. Then food of course was a favorite. But also social interaction (which may seem weird for an Asperger) was up high on my list. I was never good at it and to this day have issues meeting people and trying new things. My goal was to learn "the rules of engagement" so to speak. Strangely enough, there aren't very many set rules to relationships and so no true "scripts" to follow. Which makes it difficult to do much with other people if you suck at impromptu interaction.
Some who know me would stop and say, "But wait a minute, we know you and you act fine around us." This is mostly true. But it is only because I know you. I still am anxious and worried about what to say and what I've said every time I am around you. A guy at work pointed out that I interact well with customers at work. This is because I have been told almost verbatim what to say to them and how to handle their needs. School is the same - there are ways that are acceptable to interact with teachers. On all of these I open up more as I get to know them, but I can't do well without scripts for the majority of the time and will either zone out or act out to cover the fear.
I could keep doing examples, but I am mostly frustrated at what seems to be one of those "one step forward, two steps back" sort of deals. Over the years my obsession with social cues has built up many a canned response to life situations. I taught myself how to move my face for the right emotion and what to say and so forth depending on the situation. This week, as the anxiety has overwhelmed me (literally - I was unable to reason or breathe a few times), I have found my social "food storage" is depleting and that many of the remaining items have expired - or at least seem to have gone stale. For someone who depends on patterns and knowing just what to do, I am at a loss.
This post isn't really for anyone. I don't think anyone besides my wife and our dear friends (the ones always commenting on this site) read these rants of mine. I just wanted to spit some of this out of my mental mouth so it wouldn't sit fermenting in my head any longer. I am still reading my scriptures and praying and trust the Lord will help as I search out answers and whatever aid I can find. This is just a trial, like we all have in life.
