...As We Forgive Our Debtors

As I was about to go to bed and was saying a prayer in the hallway (everyone was asleep in their beds) I struggled to find expressions for what I wanted to say. My heart has been morose of late and I've had difficulty finding the source (or sources). Is it my job? My schedule? Am I eating enough? What about my dedication to my faith? Have I slackened and am reaping consequences?

Well, maybe the answer is more simple. Perhaps I have been unable to release my emotions properly because I haven't been able to let go of the hurt I feel others have given me.

Here me out.

In the last General Conference (October 2015, Saturday morning session) there was a very powerful message given by Sister Neill F. Marriott (2nd Counselor in the Young Women General Presidency). She said:

...perhaps I have a carefully guarded resentment toward someone. When I ask if there is more to confess, that “secret” comes clearly to my memory. In essence, the Holy Ghost is whispering, “You honestly asked if there was more, and here it is. Your resentment diminishes your progress and damages your ability to have healthy relationships. You can let this go.” Oh, it is hard work—we may feel quite justified in our animosity—but yielding to the Lord’s way is the only way to lasting happiness.

I've listened to this talk on my commute multiple times and it gets more pointed and powerful each time - especially in sequence with the preceding conference talks from that session. It struck me this last time that I had some "carefully guarded" resentments towards others. Nothing huge I suppose, but things like people who disagreed with my wife, students who treated me with no respect and treated their selves worse, etc. I found that I purposefully avoid contacting them and I had begun to dismiss their successes or feel jealous of their accomplishments.

Shortly after this revelation, I had a different kind of prayer in my heart than normal. I began asking the Lord to bless these people - some of whom are the very best you could know and deserve none of the anger I had for them. I begged my Savior to heal the broken hearts of those who turly had lashed out at me and did so by name. I began to understand (in a small measure) the words the Savior spoke to both the people in Jerusalem and in the Americas.

But behold I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you (3 Nephi 12:44, see also Matthew 5:44)

As I did so, my heart became lighter. A couple who are very generous souls and who do many philanthropic things became beautiful again in my eyes (unstained by the undeserved animosity I placed on them). A couple of students who gave me so much grief last year became hurt, little boys who needed love and care.

Sadly, I've only just begun. I have stored so much hurt inside that I know I will need time to release it all. I don't need to confront people from my past and give them what for, but rather the opposite - I need to see them in the light of the Savior and love them. Then will my heart be lightened and my soul released from bondage.

Before I even began typing tonight, the Lord's Prayer came to my mind:

Our Father which art in heaven, Halowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen. (Matthew 6:9-13)

(I always hear the choir version of this in my head when I read it)

Burning into my head was the line, "forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors." I don't know how much God himself will hold our resentments against us, but I know we are poisoning ourselves by not letting go. As Sister Marriott put it above, "Your resentment diminishes your progress and damages your ability to have healthy relationships." Those relationships include family, friends, pretty much all people, and the most important - God. 

My holding onto anger, however justified it may be, weakens my soul. I cannot love my brother in the way the Lord has asked if I continue to hold his past against him. And I cannot grow spiritually if I have damned my spirit with hate. As I continue to let things of the past fester in my heart, I will further withdraw from God and lose the companionship of the Holy Spirit.

Dearest friends, family, and all others. I am truly sorry if my unwillingness to overlook and let go of perceived faults has led me to distance myself from you. You are all children of God and I know he loves you. I cannot give a priesthood blessing without the words "God loves you" coming out during the prayer. He loves you and in my deepest heart so do I. 

I will have to spend the rest of my life removing the guile I placed within me to see your beauty more clearly, but please know I am trying. I am weak and sinful, but I am trying. I will pray for you and in so doing beg the Lord to forgive me for not loving you more fully, more quickly. 

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

I was talking to a friend at work on Friday about past jobs and things. I told her about my job at the car dealership in Tucson and how much I hated it. I really didn't like selling cars - it just never sat right in me to try and convince someone to go into $20,000 of debt for a car that wouldn't be worth that much in a month.

Well, while talking to her she made an interesting point. Said she:

Perhaps we have crappy jobs to let us know we don't like them.

The first thing that popped into my head was Michael Jordan. His abilities with a basketball always amazed me. A week or so ago I learned he didn't even make the high school basketball team. That man put so much work into figuring out how to make the game work for him that he became one of the best players ever.

I have had a lot of different jobs in my short employment record. In order:

• Handyman Assistant
• [Missionary]
• Theatre Staff
• Baker's Assistant
• Organ Salesman (musical kind and for one week)
• New/Used Car Salesman
• Cashier
• Cook
• Job Coach (for the mentally disabled)
• Warehouse Jobs (same company, different positions)
• Warehouse Staff
• Roofing Bay Lead-man
• Assistant Manager
• Bookstore Clerk
• doTERRA IPC

And I know I am not finished yet.

What I do know is what works and doesn't work for me. I have been able to do all of these jobs (minus the organ salesman) for a period of time and remain employed (haven't been fired yet) until my own choice to leave. But I have only felt happy when teaching or healing others. My church callings helped to seal the deal on the teaching and our involvement with doTERRA has given me the chance to heal others. I love it.

Another thing we talked about at work was letting go. I, like others, am haunted by my past mistakes. I feel like a horrible person for them and beat myself up sometimes for it. My friend gave another piece of advice - Let it go.

A year and a half ago I received a blessing that promised I was clean at that moment. I need to remember to not dwell on my sins (big or small) from before that time. I also need to let go of the little mistakes from recently. I sin like everyone else and it doesn't matter how much I think I should have "seen it coming" or been able to avoid it. In fact, it is in making mistakes that we learn and grow. We just have to learn not to dwell on them and what we did, but focus on what we can do better next time.

I am always grateful for the inspirational words of friends and colleagues. They are a strength to me every time.