...As We Forgive Our Debtors

As I was about to go to bed and was saying a prayer in the hallway (everyone was asleep in their beds) I struggled to find expressions for what I wanted to say. My heart has been morose of late and I've had difficulty finding the source (or sources). Is it my job? My schedule? Am I eating enough? What about my dedication to my faith? Have I slackened and am reaping consequences?

Well, maybe the answer is more simple. Perhaps I have been unable to release my emotions properly because I haven't been able to let go of the hurt I feel others have given me.

Here me out.

In the last General Conference (October 2015, Saturday morning session) there was a very powerful message given by Sister Neill F. Marriott (2nd Counselor in the Young Women General Presidency). She said:

...perhaps I have a carefully guarded resentment toward someone. When I ask if there is more to confess, that “secret” comes clearly to my memory. In essence, the Holy Ghost is whispering, “You honestly asked if there was more, and here it is. Your resentment diminishes your progress and damages your ability to have healthy relationships. You can let this go.” Oh, it is hard work—we may feel quite justified in our animosity—but yielding to the Lord’s way is the only way to lasting happiness.

I've listened to this talk on my commute multiple times and it gets more pointed and powerful each time - especially in sequence with the preceding conference talks from that session. It struck me this last time that I had some "carefully guarded" resentments towards others. Nothing huge I suppose, but things like people who disagreed with my wife, students who treated me with no respect and treated their selves worse, etc. I found that I purposefully avoid contacting them and I had begun to dismiss their successes or feel jealous of their accomplishments.

Shortly after this revelation, I had a different kind of prayer in my heart than normal. I began asking the Lord to bless these people - some of whom are the very best you could know and deserve none of the anger I had for them. I begged my Savior to heal the broken hearts of those who turly had lashed out at me and did so by name. I began to understand (in a small measure) the words the Savior spoke to both the people in Jerusalem and in the Americas.

But behold I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you (3 Nephi 12:44, see also Matthew 5:44)

As I did so, my heart became lighter. A couple who are very generous souls and who do many philanthropic things became beautiful again in my eyes (unstained by the undeserved animosity I placed on them). A couple of students who gave me so much grief last year became hurt, little boys who needed love and care.

Sadly, I've only just begun. I have stored so much hurt inside that I know I will need time to release it all. I don't need to confront people from my past and give them what for, but rather the opposite - I need to see them in the light of the Savior and love them. Then will my heart be lightened and my soul released from bondage.

Before I even began typing tonight, the Lord's Prayer came to my mind:

Our Father which art in heaven, Halowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen. (Matthew 6:9-13)

(I always hear the choir version of this in my head when I read it)

Burning into my head was the line, "forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors." I don't know how much God himself will hold our resentments against us, but I know we are poisoning ourselves by not letting go. As Sister Marriott put it above, "Your resentment diminishes your progress and damages your ability to have healthy relationships." Those relationships include family, friends, pretty much all people, and the most important - God. 

My holding onto anger, however justified it may be, weakens my soul. I cannot love my brother in the way the Lord has asked if I continue to hold his past against him. And I cannot grow spiritually if I have damned my spirit with hate. As I continue to let things of the past fester in my heart, I will further withdraw from God and lose the companionship of the Holy Spirit.

Dearest friends, family, and all others. I am truly sorry if my unwillingness to overlook and let go of perceived faults has led me to distance myself from you. You are all children of God and I know he loves you. I cannot give a priesthood blessing without the words "God loves you" coming out during the prayer. He loves you and in my deepest heart so do I. 

I will have to spend the rest of my life removing the guile I placed within me to see your beauty more clearly, but please know I am trying. I am weak and sinful, but I am trying. I will pray for you and in so doing beg the Lord to forgive me for not loving you more fully, more quickly. 

Ask and Ye Shall Receive - AC Repair

This is the second batch I blew

I bumped the thermostat a few months ago. Yeah, it crossed a wire and blew a fuse on the circuit board of my central air system. Problem was, I didn't know that and the old thermostat ran solely on power from the circuit board. Well, feeling my old handyman self I went to Home Depot and picked up a new one (with my wife's help from online reviews at home). I checked the instructions and installed it exactly as it said to and turned it on. The digital display was up, but the furnace was not.

After a little more studying on the Internet and some inspection of the system I found the fuse I'd blown - a little 3 amp blade fuse (like what you find in the car under the dashboard). So I went back to Home Depot, but they only carried down to 5 amp fuses. I then called other stores and found similar shortages. I even drove to an electrical component distributor and they looked at me funny before sending me to a car parts store.

See the little purple bugger up in the corner?

Bless those car parts places. I bought their last pack of five 3 amp fuses and went home. I used all but the last while wiring, because I could get the heater and the fan to turn on, but I popped the fuse every time I turned on the cooler. Since it was the freezing cold of spring (for some reason this year's winter never wanted to die), I plugged in the last fuse and left the cooler part alone. Obviously I had time to wait, right?

Well, time flies when you're avoiding a problem. About a month ago I tried tackling the issue again and didn't get any further. I blew another fuse and had to run to the auto parts store to grab another one. I put it back together and left it again since I didn't know the cause of my woes. A week later I was speaking to my elder's quorum president and mentioned the needed repair. He looked at me quizzically and said, "This might seem kind of funny, but did you ask the Lord?" I said a half-hearted prayer after that and didn't get any results (strange, eh?). But that didn't matter because we had a bought of storms and cool weather so I didn't need it anyway...

The time came last week to start getting nervous. Weather predictions showed my good luck was going to run out this week and I had to work fast. Speaking with my Dad, he told me to call a friend of his who was good with mechanical things. I was "too busy" last week to call and put it off until this week. Early this week was crammed full of stuff too. Finally the temperature caught up to us. Wednesday it reached 81 degrees in the house. My family was roasting.

Thursday I got up (late) and walked to the thermostat. I said a prayer and told God that I needed this to be fixed. I asked for help for the sake of my family and went to work. There is a good scripture to remember at a time like this:

"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbradeth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering," (James 1:5-6).

I didn't think of it at the time, but it proved true by the next morning.

First thing I did was call my dad's friend and left a message. While waiting for a response and checking electrical diagrams Steph said, "You should call my Dad." We were both a little dumbfounded when we realized that he was an electronics technician and would be a big help and hadn't thought of this before. With his helped I started checking wires for shorts and the circuit board itself. All proved fine between the thermostat and the board.

my AC compressor

After I finished talking with him, my wife noticed her phone had received a call from out of state. It was my dad's friend. He referred me to a friend of his who was an AC technician. This man explained that the problem was probably with the wires to the compressor or in the compressor itself and how to check it. Once I was off the phone I used my father-in-law's instructions for checking wires for shorts and found the wires where fine. Then I pushed the button on the contact in the compressor and the machine turned on. So the problem was not wiring or the circuit board and the compressor functioned.

At this point I had a bit of inspiration. The contact (specifically an alternating double pole contact) for my compressor relied on a signal from the circuit board to open the pathway to make power flow to the unit (it flipped the switch). Without the power flowing through the unit doesn't turn on and stay on (unless I stand out there and hold the button). I called my father-in-law back and said I thought there was an issue with the contact. He had been reading an online manual for the compressor and came to the same conclusion. We had found the source of the troubles.

The new alt dbl pole contact

Sadly, more trouble was on the way because I couldn't get the part. If a popular appliance department store made one, it would take until Monday to get here and that would cost extra because it would be expedited! Local HVAC repair guys wouldn't sell me one and E-bay charged double the price of the item to get it here by Saturday. We didn't find a better option by closing and figured we'd call more HVAC places in the morning and try to barter with them (it costs $50-$70 to get them to come out and diagnose an issue, then labor and parts on top - and I knew the cause!).

After work (4pm-8pm), I got home and put the kids in bed. I had hot wired the thermostat to stay on fan mode (on my last fuse again) so I could go and hold the button down to cool off the house. Before I got outside I saw my elder's quorum president through the window (lives next door) and asked him about the part since he's an electronics component salesman. He told me our friend and fellow doTERRA consultant (other blog) was a certified AC tech and could buy one (because if the AC guys can fix an AC in a day, the parts have to be nearby, right?) from the local dealers. Sure enough, I called, he said he could and this morning he swung by with the part.

My AC is running again and the house is fine. I worked as hard as I could at the project and because I asked in faith (and worked), God gave me the help and answers. Little miracles are just as real as the big ones and this one meant a lot to me. I will ever be grateful for the advice of my elder's quorum president who believes so much in the power of prayer.