This is about my transcripts from college. I needed to verify a date for some paperwork and felt that my class schedule at that time would tell the tale. I didn't know how many tales it would tell.
Throughout public school, my parents "rode" on me about straight A's - anything less was unacceptable and showed I wasn't working hard*. I ended with a 3.50 GPA, but that was a bit of a failure and a success on my part - I graduated, but my grades were never perfect.
I made it to college and at the university started out with a 3.59 the first quarter. That was higher than my high school GPA and noteworthy, but it was the highest I'd ever get for a "full load" of classes.
As I read through the grades on my transcript today, I became misty eyed looking at some of the lower marks. I knew the pain those came from - the heartache that existed every day as I went to class. Each one telling a story of who I was at the time and the struggle each day was**. Here's what I saw in them:
I saw the string of W's (withdraws) from the semester my son was born and went to the hospital for a week because of low oxygen levels. I remember the uncertainty as I went to there to check on him each day, hoping they'd find the problem (they never did). It caused my faith, my self-esteem, my everything to be called into question and I quit that term to regroup
I saw the E, D, D-, and B- from my next semester (my "triumphant" return). I remember the power I gained during it as I started to learn to love myself since God did. My grades didn't do well, but I was becoming stronger. Also, I saw the B- was in a psychology math class and knew that math was always a good call for me.
I saw my next batch, much better, but the E (BYU uses E's instead of F's) from "Marriage Enhancement" ended my eligibility for aid and I couldn't pay for my own tuition. The course title also tells how terrible I was as a husband at the time. It was a rough time for me (our next child was approaching) and I wish I could hug my back-then-self and whisper the words of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland in my ear, "Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead," (see video).
I saw the year of uncertainty. I worked at a warehouse now and thought perhaps it would be my life since school had kicked me out. An older worker (in his 50's) was still there and would not get to retire because he hadn't been with the company long enough. I felt dumb (my sister was finishing college, my other sister in school still, my parents and grandparents graduates) and destined to live a life of grunt work and little rest.
I saw when I discovered a way back. The transcript shows a single A- for an online course. That summer, I took Calculus 1 for the third time (twice in high school) and with some divine intervention was reinstated with good enough standing to have aid again. It was nice to take a course I knew I could pass and didn't even need to be there the whole time.
I looked at the grades and remembered.
I remember crying to myself because I couldn't, wouldn't share my feelings with my wife. I remember the pain of feeling like a failure to my parents, my spouse, my children. I remember the thought that I was not smart and not capable. I remember feeling cursed by God and man. I remember darkness in my chest and mind.
I wept with my past self and the struggles I went through. I kept thinking of the hurt I experienced and I sorrowed for my unspoken pains and my therefore unmet needs.
I guess part of this post was to finally acknowledge my own personal hell from the last several years. College was not a series of frat parties, hundreds of dates, and excitement of finding out who my significant other was. I got married before even starting school. School for me was getting through to support my ever-growing family. It was to make sure I was preparing for the future and it was HARD. Wow was it hard!
Then I remembered the light gradually illuminating the way.
Slowly God showed me who I was, what I was capable of, and how to leave my current situation. He never made it easier. In fact, IT GOT HARDER as time went on. But He inspired me and told my heart things to help me move through the pain and finish what I started. This is what I see in the grades now:
I see my soul being instructed and uplifted by deity. I see the hand of God taking me into the depths of my personal hell to then lift me out and help me find higher ground. I see my grades go up as I found courage to leave my high paying job*** and focus more on school. I see him instructing me on balance as I am forced to give up my Spanish courses to finish college.
I see Him blessing me and my wife with just enough to survive on so that we would learn to rely on him more. I see the courage of my wife to accept her husband's choice to leave the third major promising a $60,000+ salary to take on the role of high school teacher. I see the hand of the Lord in choosing caring instructors to help me when needed by both giving extended due dates and advice.
I see the inspiration in my student teaching position and the knowledge of loving my students given me by the teacher. I see the LOVE that God has for me and wants me to share with my students. I see a father in heaven who cares for me more than I know.
Then, I see the promised blessing as the last grade is recorded (Pass) and the transcript ends. I see the awarded degree and know that it was ONLY through God that I succeeded and he wanted me to have that blessed knowledge forever.
Life is still not easy. With five children (latest born a few weeks ago), lots of debt from school, selling our old home because we moved out of town, my first year of teaching****, and the pressures of everyday life, how could it be easy? I don't think it was meant to be.
We learn from pain and from struggle. The greatest lesson ever learned was by our Savior who went through all pain and suffering to know each of us. Because He went through Gethsemane and Golgotha, we have a friend and companion for any trial.
I know He still watches over my family and myself. I witness his miracles all the time in my life and if I just take a moment to see and remember his good works, I will be able to smile and trust Him because He has loved me and watched over me already.
J. Justin Draper
FOOTNOTES:
*Disclaimer - that is a mixed bag of fun. I didn't work very hard in high school and my grades went downhill (though not below b's for the most part). My parents meant well and I know I wasn't doing my "best", but the pressure and the lack of approval hurt more than helped on some things. So yes, they were accurate, but no they didn't tell the whole story.
**For those who don't know, I suffered through some serious problems in college psychologically and physically. I had to battle depression from multiple sources while fighting food allergies and blood sugar issues (all were discovered during college). It took a serious toll on my relationship with my wife and my ability to function - both at home and in the classroom. Though I always had strength to work.
***I was earning ~ $32,000 a year. For a college student that is fantastic. I now earn that with a B.S. in Math Education. But at least I don't carry 100's of pounds of steel around all day anymore
****In your first year you must learn to plan lessons, appropriately make and administer tests, teach more than a year's material in less time than a school year (assemblies, events, and such), get the students state tested on stuff you may or may not have covered in time, discipline students (which is more a routine and love thing), and many more. Worst of all, you still have to prove you are worthy of being a teacher by filling out paperwork for your "level 2" licensure, recertification, and more. Oh, and no matter how good of a program you come from, the college experience doesn't come close to preparing you for it.
