I've been learning a lot about myself lately. Having been at BYU long enough to be called a senior on their records, but only a sophomore my major has forced me to reevaluate everything I do - from the ground up. Sadly, this means all those things I didn't learn as a young child through adolescent are now needing some attention.
Perhaps the worst of them is the communication. I always went by a philosophy of "don't rock the boat" from a youth to today. I am a very passive personality and prefer not to upset people in order to keep myself at peace (at least I think I'm at peace). This means that for over two decades I have resorted to not saying what truly mattered to people and held my tongue. I never practiced saying the right thing to anyone and never got used to the methods of give and take that normally come up in a discussion, especially one dealing with hard topics.
But how do you deal with hard topics if you have no experience doing so? Yeah, that is were this whole passive aggressive thing from my childhood has come up to bite me in the behind. By never disturbing the atmosphere around me I allowed others to do things I shouldn't have and built up negative energy inside of me from the unspoken anger, disappointment and unfulfilled needs that my vow of silence built up. Now it has to be released and the practice I should have gotten as a child (you know, when all of us are awkward and stupid with each other) has to be completed as an adult in my late twenties with a wife and three kids.
Worst is that the brunt of this ends up on my wife. While I am afraid to upset people and really worry about the effects my "coming out" (so to speak) will have on them and her, she is the one I trust the most. Therefore, she is the one I am finally opening up to the most and speaking my mind. And of course, she gets my insensitivity and tactlessness from my inability to know how to effectively communicate my wants and needs in a way that doesn't downgrade the recipient.
It bothers me immensely that I have no skill in this department, but even more so that it is my wife that has to deal with it so heavily. She didn't marry me to babysit me or to be my mother and yet she has to put up with this on a daily basis. Clearly, when we are children we have no idea the impact we'll have on ourselves and others in the future from the choices we make today.
I am glad to know I am capable of doing it right in the days ahead and know I am pursuing the right course now. It just means things are going to be awkward and possibly edgy for a while. Thankfully, my wife understands the nature of the problem and while she doesn't like it, she is able to see at least a little past what I am saying to what the meaning is. Hopefully I will be able to communicate that more clearly sooner rather than later.
I will never be grateful enough to God for sending Stephanie to me. She truly has blessed my life and continues to make me a better person. I am sure that things will get better and our lives will find some sort of stability in the future.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Sometimes Things Just Fall Into Place
I'm going to honest - this summer wasn't easy. We spent the first half sweating through late hours at a job plus six hours a day in class and the second half trying to figure out how to survive without going to school the rest of the summer. It was a long second half and we are still figuring things out, but a lot of stuff seems to be lining up the right way.
First was the job situation. I applied at the BYU Math Lab back in December before landing a job at the BYU Bookstore. I thought they weren't interested in me or that my test scores had sucked miserably. Nope. They just had a different sense of timing. A few weeks ago they emailed me and asked if I could come in for an interview. I did and they gave me a job. Not only that, but they gave me the hours I wanted and it increases my current pay by $0.75 (not a lot unless you're a poor student like me) with another increase once I finish my current math class and teach higher math in the lab.
On top of the new job and pay, I will be reviewing and teaching the math I need to know fluently for three hours a day every weekday. According to research you retain around 90% of what you teach,
so I'll finally master calculus. Gotta love that.
Then, I will be able to get my tutor certification through them which is great because I already have one pupil and am taking on a second one this semester. I picked up the second one from a friend of my boss at work. So really, I will be spending around 30+ hours a week on math not including homework (but including class time). That is good for a Math Education Major.
I am excited for the semester to begin on Monday. I know we still have challenges to face (bills are never resolved around here like we'd hope), but with some obvious divine approval in my choice of careers, I feel that the rest will work out one way or another. We just have to maintain an attitude of faith and believe that God is at the helm. We'll make our choices and trust in him for the rest.
First was the job situation. I applied at the BYU Math Lab back in December before landing a job at the BYU Bookstore. I thought they weren't interested in me or that my test scores had sucked miserably. Nope. They just had a different sense of timing. A few weeks ago they emailed me and asked if I could come in for an interview. I did and they gave me a job. Not only that, but they gave me the hours I wanted and it increases my current pay by $0.75 (not a lot unless you're a poor student like me) with another increase once I finish my current math class and teach higher math in the lab.
On top of the new job and pay, I will be reviewing and teaching the math I need to know fluently for three hours a day every weekday. According to research you retain around 90% of what you teach,
so I'll finally master calculus. Gotta love that.
Then, I will be able to get my tutor certification through them which is great because I already have one pupil and am taking on a second one this semester. I picked up the second one from a friend of my boss at work. So really, I will be spending around 30+ hours a week on math not including homework (but including class time). That is good for a Math Education Major.
I am excited for the semester to begin on Monday. I know we still have challenges to face (bills are never resolved around here like we'd hope), but with some obvious divine approval in my choice of careers, I feel that the rest will work out one way or another. We just have to maintain an attitude of faith and believe that God is at the helm. We'll make our choices and trust in him for the rest.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
I was talking to a friend at work on Friday about past jobs and things. I told her about my job at the car dealership in Tucson and how much I hated it. I really didn't like selling cars - it just never sat right in me to try and convince someone to go into $20,000 of debt for a car that wouldn't be worth that much in a month.
Well, while talking to her she made an interesting point. Said she:
I have had a lot of different jobs in my short employment record. In order:
What I do know is what works and doesn't work for me. I have been able to do all of these jobs (minus the organ salesman) for a period of time and remain employed (haven't been fired yet) until my own choice to leave. But I have only felt happy when teaching or healing others. My church callings helped to seal the deal on the teaching and our involvement with doTERRA has given me the chance to heal others. I love it.
Another thing we talked about at work was letting go. I, like others, am haunted by my past mistakes. I feel like a horrible person for them and beat myself up sometimes for it. My friend gave another piece of advice - Let it go.
A year and a half ago I received a blessing that promised I was clean at that moment. I need to remember to not dwell on my sins (big or small) from before that time. I also need to let go of the little mistakes from recently. I sin like everyone else and it doesn't matter how much I think I should have "seen it coming" or been able to avoid it. In fact, it is in making mistakes that we learn and grow. We just have to learn not to dwell on them and what we did, but focus on what we can do better next time.
I am always grateful for the inspirational words of friends and colleagues. They are a strength to me every time.
Well, while talking to her she made an interesting point. Said she:
Perhaps we have crappy jobs to let us know we don't like them.The first thing that popped into my head was Michael Jordan. His abilities with a basketball always amazed me. A week or so ago I learned he didn't even make the high school basketball team. That man put so much work into figuring out how to make the game work for him that he became one of the best players ever.
I have had a lot of different jobs in my short employment record. In order:
- Handyman Assistant
- [Missionary]
- Theatre Staff
- Baker's Assistant
- Organ Salesman (musical kind and for one week)
- New/Used Car Salesman
- Cashier
- Cook
- Job Coach (for the mentally disabled)
- Warehouse Jobs (same company, different positions)
- Warehouse Staff
- Roofing Bay Lead-man
- Assistant Manager
- Bookstore Clerk
- doTERRA IPC
What I do know is what works and doesn't work for me. I have been able to do all of these jobs (minus the organ salesman) for a period of time and remain employed (haven't been fired yet) until my own choice to leave. But I have only felt happy when teaching or healing others. My church callings helped to seal the deal on the teaching and our involvement with doTERRA has given me the chance to heal others. I love it.
Another thing we talked about at work was letting go. I, like others, am haunted by my past mistakes. I feel like a horrible person for them and beat myself up sometimes for it. My friend gave another piece of advice - Let it go.
A year and a half ago I received a blessing that promised I was clean at that moment. I need to remember to not dwell on my sins (big or small) from before that time. I also need to let go of the little mistakes from recently. I sin like everyone else and it doesn't matter how much I think I should have "seen it coming" or been able to avoid it. In fact, it is in making mistakes that we learn and grow. We just have to learn not to dwell on them and what we did, but focus on what we can do better next time.
I am always grateful for the inspirational words of friends and colleagues. They are a strength to me every time.
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