Communicator in Training

I've been learning a lot about myself lately. Having been at BYU long enough to be called a senior on their records, but only a sophomore my major has forced me to reevaluate everything I do - from the ground up. Sadly, this means all those things I didn't learn as a young child through adolescent are now needing some attention.

Perhaps the worst of them is the communication. I always went by a philosophy of "don't rock the boat" from a youth to today. I am a very passive personality and prefer not to upset people in order to keep myself at peace (at least I think I'm at peace). This means that for over two decades I have resorted to not saying what truly mattered to people and held my tongue. I never practiced saying the right thing to anyone and never got used to the methods of give and take that normally come up in a discussion, especially one dealing with hard topics.

But how do you deal with hard topics if you have no experience doing so? Yeah, that is were this whole passive aggressive thing from my childhood has come up to bite me in the behind. By never disturbing the atmosphere around me I allowed others to do things I shouldn't have and built up negative energy inside of me from the unspoken anger, disappointment and unfulfilled needs that my vow of silence built up. Now it has to be released and the practice I should have gotten as a child (you know, when all of us are awkward and stupid with each other) has to be completed as an adult in my late twenties with a wife and three kids.

Worst is that the brunt of this ends up on my wife. While I am afraid to upset people and really worry about the effects my "coming out" (so to speak) will have on them and her, she is the one I trust the most. Therefore, she is the one I am finally opening up to the most and speaking my mind. And of course, she gets my insensitivity and tactlessness from my inability to know how to effectively communicate my wants and needs in a way that doesn't downgrade the recipient.

It bothers me immensely that I have no skill in this department, but even more so that it is my wife that has to deal with it so heavily. She didn't marry me to babysit me or to be my mother and yet she has to put up with this on a daily basis. Clearly, when we are children we have no idea the impact we'll have on ourselves and others in the future from the choices we make today.

I am glad to know I am capable of doing it right in the days ahead and know I am pursuing the right course now. It just means things are going to be awkward and possibly edgy for a while. Thankfully, my wife understands the nature of the problem and while she doesn't like it, she is able to see at least a little past what I am saying to what the meaning is. Hopefully I will be able to communicate that more clearly sooner rather than later.

I will never be grateful enough to God for sending Stephanie to me. She truly has blessed my life and continues to make me a better person. I am sure that things will get better and our lives will find some sort of stability in the future.