Pillars of Worth and Strength

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things," (1 Cor 13:11).

I remember as a child thinking things would always work out, somehow. Mom and Dad were there and we had a roof and food and even surprise Christmas gifts from Secret Santas occasionally. It seemed I could rely on them for whatever we truly needed.

Then things were harder. I learned about finances and our own family's budget. Asking for things, even AP test fees seemed too much. I didn't want to hurt the family. I know now that this was foolish thinking, but I was more naive then (still am).

As I left for my mission, I discovered another concern - my testimony. It never left me, nor was buried, but because I had relied on my mother's and those of other people I knew, I couldn't see my own. As the mission progressed I grew stronger and by the end I was able to find my testimony and use it as needed to preach and teach with the power of the Holy Spirit.

But I took those same foolish ideals from my childhood with me - that I could shoulder the burdens of others, even the world. That we can aid others and strengthen them is certain. That we can do the work for them is a lie. It doesn't work. People have to learn to carry certain burdens themselves or there is no growth.

How much I've wanted to carry others on my back through their spiritual struggles and heal the hearts of the emotionally wounded. I have tried and took things home from my mission that I thought it was my duty to carry on with. But a still naive twenty one year old boy doesn't have the power to do that.

As more and more things piled up, from family to future family and people from the past, I grew weaker. I put so much emphasis on supporting others that I didn't support myself. Don't get me wrong, service is important, but it has to be done in the right way - with a pure heart. Serving others to prove my self worth is not the right motivation. My worth comes intrinsically from God, not my doing.

I suffered greatly from this kind of erroneous thinking - that I had to be the pillar for others to be worth something. That if I screwed up or let someone down I was worthless. Naturally, breaking points came and I began falling apart at the seams. Rebuilding from the low I hit after that has been hard, but I am doing it based off some new ideals - my new pillars:

I am a child of God.

I am worth loving.

I am a good person.

I am a good husband and father.

I am a good son.

I wrote those as topic sentences to myself in a letter during a late night return at a clothing store. I sat in the parking lot and cursed my inability to love myself. Then, inspiration struck! I pulled out my notebook and wrote down a letter with those sentences and filled the paragraphs with examples. In the end I reordered them and added the "good son" line. It saved me.

God is the ultimate pillar of strength. Knowing that He loves us and that we are His children changes everything. We are worth loving, every one of us because we are His. That should be enough. "God is love," (1 John 4:8). With that in place, we can extrapolate and add on a lot, but it would all just pale in comparison with the first.

"Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.

He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.

In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.

Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins," (1 John 4:7-10).

He sent his perfect son to save this wayward one. Of all things in the universe, God's love is sure.

I may not be able to save everyone, nor shoulder all their burdens on my back, but God loves me anyway. I will do my best to serve him and show my love in return.

The Lie Within the Truth

I've always been puzzled by a stranger side of truth. In the scriptures, it is clear that "truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come," (D&C 93:24), but when answering the Pharisees, Sadducees and even simple men and women, it says that "without a parable spake [Jesus] not unto them" (Mark 4:34). Another scripture in Alma tells us that men of God may give the truth "only according to the portion of his word which he doth grant unto the children of men," (Alma 12:9). Somehow, truth is not defined in the sense of the dramatic courtroom oath "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth," like I once thought.

Even today I have to fight the tendency to spout everything I know or feel on a subject. It just eats at my brain leaving a piece out. For instance, in the Garden of Eden, when God is confronting Adam, Eve and Lucifer for their sins, God asks Adam what happened. While some mock his response as a blaming of all things on women, I see it as an admission of guilt with an explanation of events, not an excuse. Listen to his words, "The woman thou gavest me, and commandest that she should remain with me, she gave me of the fruit of the tree and I did eat," (Moses 4:18). His final words to God were "I did eat." Not, "It's all her fault!"

But at the same time, he didn't go over the whole story in detail. He told what was important - Eve gave him fruit and he ate it. No mentioning of Eve's listening to the serpent or how horrid she was. He simply said the main event and his part. Sometimes I feel that I am missing the point here.

See, while I desire for the truth to be blasted out into the open for me and others to hear, I never remember that for each of us "truth is in the eye of the beholder." We have our own interpretations of the world and filter events and conversations accordingly. I know I have mishandled multiple moments in life with my own personal interpretation of truth clashing with others'.

It is falsehood to assume that divulging everything at once constitutes the truth. "Truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come," (D&C 93:24) means that we must not only acknowledge what is true, but the state of those receiving it from us. For example, a parent does not explain the innermost details of sex with a little child, nor really even when they reach adulthood. Somethings cannot be shared in full during this life. We must learn how to share what is appropriate and guard ourselves from having loose lips.

Communication is hard enough already, but adding difficult truths to the mix can make a train wreck of it. We cannot continue to bring up the past and throw it in the face of our friends and family (see Jeffrey R. Holland's talk - Remember Lot's Wife). We must learn to control the truth that leaves our mouths in a way that benefits others. "For of him unto whom much is given much is required," (D&C 82:3) and only when we use the truth we have correctly will the Savior's words "And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free," (St John 8:32) be fulfilled. 


I hope I do better at this in the future. I have tended to throw out "truths" of things in the past to prove points or whatever and it only offends and wounds. I'm deeply sorry if that was any of you (especially if I haven't told you personally). Know I am working on speaking and being better, but it will take time. Not all of us are King Lamoni who gets transformed in a day, you know.

Learning I Was Wrong

A year ago I took an English class. Part of the curriculum was writing a paper in the field of your major. Feeling slightly combative, I chose to write on the evils of the new teaching methods that have arisen in Mathematics Education over the past couple of decades. Certainly poor test performance and lack of student love for mathematics was the result of the erroneous ideas being employed.

from mathwithouttears.blogspot.com

Over the past several months I have learned that the problem with teaching mathematics in America was not just a recent issue, but that students have been struggling with the subject since schools became public. In the middle of last century there was a huge emphasis on math skills (during the space race) and the students were taught it over and over again. This turned out a number of fine scholars and got most people through the basics, but many never gained a real understanding of true mathematics nor any appreciation of the subject.

Noting this, the National Council of Teachers of Mathematics decided to act. In the 1990's they sent out a document to the nation's teachers explaining the problems and the potential solutions for them. The wake of that decision has been enormous. People fighting for the NCTM's standards or against them seem to spring up in every city in the United States. It created such a virulent schism that a good chunk of the country is familiar with the term "Math Wars" used to describe it and any parent of a school aged child feels the affects of that war.

So what did I learn? I learned I was wrong. Really, the "new math" methods, when taught correctly are more impacting and longer lasting. The real problem is the oscillation of districts between programs (for the NCTM and not) and the teachers teaching the subject (I'm studying to be one, but a good one hopefully).

Sometimes we think we have all the answers and understand what is going on in other realms (or our own) when we really don't have a clue. Organizations are complex things. People are more so. You can know someone for a long time and still never truly know them.

I know that I have a habit of blindly assuming things based off of my imperfect and unfocused lens. When I see a person, even if I try hard, I only see them through my eyes. It is possible to start viewing people with more compassion, more understanding, but it will always be our version of their life.

from picturesofjesus4you.com, art by Greg Olsen

Only the Savior holds the key to completely understanding and feeling exactly what each of us feels individually. He suffered for us and died for us and through all of it came to know us better than we know ourselves. He is the one who can judge or critique, not me. True, I must hold my ground if something is wrong, but that is not an easy thing to know - especially when speaking of others. What we think we know about someone can be completely wrong or just a small portion of a truth (it is never the whole story).

I'm hoping I can ween my thoughts off of deciding who or what people are (and groups and organizations too) until I have gained knowledge by first hand experience or the true revelation of the spirit (and not my own fancies). It would be nice to see everyone the way the Savior sees them - or at least come closer to that vision.

Mostly I wish to remember that "truth is in the eye of the beholder" but unless our eye is single to the glory of God, we are full of darkness. I wish my truths to be bright, always.