As you drove away in the car, the kids and I waived goodbye until you were out of sight. I turned around and Caleb said, "Mommy and Jen going to the store." That's when I started crying. "No, Jen is going back home to where her mommy and daddy live. She won't be living with us anymore."
We went upstairs and stood in your room. I told them you were gone. I don't think they understand yet, but they will feel it soon. Steph and I already do.
Jen, you have been a blessing on our home. It helped my wife to have family here. It helped my children to see their aunt and interact with her. It helped me to learn more about myself and others.
Whatever you may think about how I feel and what your influence was this past year, know that it was of God and a strength to all of us. You are a wonderful person and though we know you are doing the right thing by going back to Tucson, we will miss you. Thank you for being a part of our home and our lives.
Your brother
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Thank You!
We are making a huge change in our lives. I am quiting my very involved job to do full time school. At the same time, my wife left on a week long trip with the baby, I had to study for finals and try to obtain employment for next semester (part time). It was a very stressful and trying time for me and it started with calling in sick and losing 16 hours of work the week before. Anyway, we were a little concerned (me more than Steph of course) and didn't know quite how to help the situation. Then the little miracles started occurring.
Steph's friends all pitched in free of charge to watch the children while I was at work or school and she was away. My employer was very kind and wrote a letter of recommendation for me to get a job at the Math Lab on campus. At the work Christmas party we won a gift card, a jar of money from a guessing game and randomly received a $100 bill in the gift exchange. Then, despite my academic standing, the goverment back paid my grants for this semester. Suddenly our bills were taken care of. I was able to finish my English class with a strong A, my math class with at least a B and do well enough on the Math Lab entrance exam to have a shot at getting in.
Finally, last night I was at home with the kids when a loud knock came at the door. Opening it found a box of food, including a large turkey and trimmings, with a card. It was addressed to the family and offered wishes for a merry Christmas and that this would help. In place of a signature, a $100 bill was folded inside the card.
All this help from God and his servants has not only helped us at this difficult time, but bolstered my faith and resolve to continue onward in school and life. Thank you to all of you, those we know helped and those who wished to remain anonymous. Your kindness still brings tears to my eyes. You are wonderful and are truly angels of God. May He bless you abundantly for all you've done for my family.
Justin
Steph's friends all pitched in free of charge to watch the children while I was at work or school and she was away. My employer was very kind and wrote a letter of recommendation for me to get a job at the Math Lab on campus. At the work Christmas party we won a gift card, a jar of money from a guessing game and randomly received a $100 bill in the gift exchange. Then, despite my academic standing, the goverment back paid my grants for this semester. Suddenly our bills were taken care of. I was able to finish my English class with a strong A, my math class with at least a B and do well enough on the Math Lab entrance exam to have a shot at getting in.
Finally, last night I was at home with the kids when a loud knock came at the door. Opening it found a box of food, including a large turkey and trimmings, with a card. It was addressed to the family and offered wishes for a merry Christmas and that this would help. In place of a signature, a $100 bill was folded inside the card.
All this help from God and his servants has not only helped us at this difficult time, but bolstered my faith and resolve to continue onward in school and life. Thank you to all of you, those we know helped and those who wished to remain anonymous. Your kindness still brings tears to my eyes. You are wonderful and are truly angels of God. May He bless you abundantly for all you've done for my family.
Justin
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
God Watches Over Us All
I meant to post this months ago, but I think I didn't because I was a possible witness and wasn't supposed to talk about it at the time. So here it is from May 9th, 2010:
So last night I went to Smith's in Provo to pick up a couple of things. I passed by a Hollywood video that was closing down and advertising 99 cent DVD's and once I parked I went to see if any were left. Finding nothing there (every one had been sold) I walked over to the store and went inside.
I went towards the Peanut Butter and texted my wife to see what everything I needed to get was and then went to look at the bread. Once she responded I texted again and went to the back aisle. I paused at some bacon in a refrigerator bin and looked through a bunch before a crowd of people rushed by screaming "He's got a gun!" and "Get down!"
The butchers next to me ducked out a back way and I followed them and others hearing shots on the way. Once we were outdoors and safe I came around and waited to give the police the details I had seen and heard.
From the KSL website http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=10707188 I learned that a man had been shoplifting beer and when confronted by the management became hostile. They marshaled him into an area at the front of the store while calling police. When they arrived they tried using a taser and then the man pulled out his gun and pointed it at them. Fortunately for the officers the shots I had heard were their guns taking the suspect down and not his own gun.
What was amazing to me was when I heard the time on the news clip. It said around 8:40pm is when the cops were called in. My first text was at 8:41 according to my phone. I had barely missed the initial incursion by about the time it took to walk to Hollywood and back to the store. Then my meandering caused me to be at the back when the shooting happened.
God had kept me out of the path of the entire showdown while simultaneously leading me through the midst of it. I was never really worried, but strangely unafraid. My family was glad I was safe as was I and seeing my wife and children that night was slightly more meaningful than normal - though it should be noted we just brought home our new-born daughter a few hours before the incident. It filled me with wonder at how close I had been to harm and yet divinely protected throughout. God truly does watch over us!
So last night I went to Smith's in Provo to pick up a couple of things. I passed by a Hollywood video that was closing down and advertising 99 cent DVD's and once I parked I went to see if any were left. Finding nothing there (every one had been sold) I walked over to the store and went inside.
I went towards the Peanut Butter and texted my wife to see what everything I needed to get was and then went to look at the bread. Once she responded I texted again and went to the back aisle. I paused at some bacon in a refrigerator bin and looked through a bunch before a crowd of people rushed by screaming "He's got a gun!" and "Get down!"
The butchers next to me ducked out a back way and I followed them and others hearing shots on the way. Once we were outdoors and safe I came around and waited to give the police the details I had seen and heard.
From the KSL website http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=10707188 I learned that a man had been shoplifting beer and when confronted by the management became hostile. They marshaled him into an area at the front of the store while calling police. When they arrived they tried using a taser and then the man pulled out his gun and pointed it at them. Fortunately for the officers the shots I had heard were their guns taking the suspect down and not his own gun.
What was amazing to me was when I heard the time on the news clip. It said around 8:40pm is when the cops were called in. My first text was at 8:41 according to my phone. I had barely missed the initial incursion by about the time it took to walk to Hollywood and back to the store. Then my meandering caused me to be at the back when the shooting happened.
God had kept me out of the path of the entire showdown while simultaneously leading me through the midst of it. I was never really worried, but strangely unafraid. My family was glad I was safe as was I and seeing my wife and children that night was slightly more meaningful than normal - though it should be noted we just brought home our new-born daughter a few hours before the incident. It filled me with wonder at how close I had been to harm and yet divinely protected throughout. God truly does watch over us!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Tests and Trials
So I am more than a little tired right now. I have had a full week and am out of mental reserves. My life seems to be taking a nose-dive in sensibility and my brain aches from the strain.
Monday we found out my three-year-old son has Asperger's Syndrome - a mild form of autism. It wasn't a real shock since we had suspected it for months, but the hard part came when the psychologist started explaining the road ahead for our little man. Again, it wasn't a huge surprise nor was it all that overwhelming. The part that hit me hard was how everything he described for Caleb's future was in my past.
Now I am not a shrink, nor will I be, but all the evidence (i.e. - asperger's is typically genetic through the male side, the striking similarities between my past and the psychologist's depiction of my son's future, my emotions and thoughts from childhood) points to me having asperger's too. For a day it didn't seem so bad, Caleb has it and I have it, so what? But the stress and anxiety of everything is getting to me now.
As a youth I was obsessed with things. Mostly video games because they are "safe" from the emotions and complications of the world. Then food of course was a favorite. But also social interaction (which may seem weird for an Asperger) was up high on my list. I was never good at it and to this day have issues meeting people and trying new things. My goal was to learn "the rules of engagement" so to speak. Strangely enough, there aren't very many set rules to relationships and so no true "scripts" to follow. Which makes it difficult to do much with other people if you suck at impromptu interaction.
Some who know me would stop and say, "But wait a minute, we know you and you act fine around us." This is mostly true. But it is only because I know you. I still am anxious and worried about what to say and what I've said every time I am around you. A guy at work pointed out that I interact well with customers at work. This is because I have been told almost verbatim what to say to them and how to handle their needs. School is the same - there are ways that are acceptable to interact with teachers. On all of these I open up more as I get to know them, but I can't do well without scripts for the majority of the time and will either zone out or act out to cover the fear.
I could keep doing examples, but I am mostly frustrated at what seems to be one of those "one step forward, two steps back" sort of deals. Over the years my obsession with social cues has built up many a canned response to life situations. I taught myself how to move my face for the right emotion and what to say and so forth depending on the situation. This week, as the anxiety has overwhelmed me (literally - I was unable to reason or breathe a few times), I have found my social "food storage" is depleting and that many of the remaining items have expired - or at least seem to have gone stale. For someone who depends on patterns and knowing just what to do, I am at a loss.
This post isn't really for anyone. I don't think anyone besides my wife and our dear friends (the ones always commenting on this site) read these rants of mine. I just wanted to spit some of this out of my mental mouth so it wouldn't sit fermenting in my head any longer. I am still reading my scriptures and praying and trust the Lord will help as I search out answers and whatever aid I can find. This is just a trial, like we all have in life.
Monday we found out my three-year-old son has Asperger's Syndrome - a mild form of autism. It wasn't a real shock since we had suspected it for months, but the hard part came when the psychologist started explaining the road ahead for our little man. Again, it wasn't a huge surprise nor was it all that overwhelming. The part that hit me hard was how everything he described for Caleb's future was in my past.
Now I am not a shrink, nor will I be, but all the evidence (i.e. - asperger's is typically genetic through the male side, the striking similarities between my past and the psychologist's depiction of my son's future, my emotions and thoughts from childhood) points to me having asperger's too. For a day it didn't seem so bad, Caleb has it and I have it, so what? But the stress and anxiety of everything is getting to me now.
As a youth I was obsessed with things. Mostly video games because they are "safe" from the emotions and complications of the world. Then food of course was a favorite. But also social interaction (which may seem weird for an Asperger) was up high on my list. I was never good at it and to this day have issues meeting people and trying new things. My goal was to learn "the rules of engagement" so to speak. Strangely enough, there aren't very many set rules to relationships and so no true "scripts" to follow. Which makes it difficult to do much with other people if you suck at impromptu interaction.
Some who know me would stop and say, "But wait a minute, we know you and you act fine around us." This is mostly true. But it is only because I know you. I still am anxious and worried about what to say and what I've said every time I am around you. A guy at work pointed out that I interact well with customers at work. This is because I have been told almost verbatim what to say to them and how to handle their needs. School is the same - there are ways that are acceptable to interact with teachers. On all of these I open up more as I get to know them, but I can't do well without scripts for the majority of the time and will either zone out or act out to cover the fear.
I could keep doing examples, but I am mostly frustrated at what seems to be one of those "one step forward, two steps back" sort of deals. Over the years my obsession with social cues has built up many a canned response to life situations. I taught myself how to move my face for the right emotion and what to say and so forth depending on the situation. This week, as the anxiety has overwhelmed me (literally - I was unable to reason or breathe a few times), I have found my social "food storage" is depleting and that many of the remaining items have expired - or at least seem to have gone stale. For someone who depends on patterns and knowing just what to do, I am at a loss.
This post isn't really for anyone. I don't think anyone besides my wife and our dear friends (the ones always commenting on this site) read these rants of mine. I just wanted to spit some of this out of my mental mouth so it wouldn't sit fermenting in my head any longer. I am still reading my scriptures and praying and trust the Lord will help as I search out answers and whatever aid I can find. This is just a trial, like we all have in life.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Lifting Higher
There come moments in life where a sort of "make it or brake it" point comes along. You know, when all Hell seems combined against you and your will to push forward is ready to snap. These moments are the refiner's fire. They are designed specifically for us to build within our souls the characteristics required for the future and eternity.
Albert R. Lyman once wrote: “Sturdy stuff is not developed in a soft cradle. Strong souls are born in adversity and schooled in hardship, and the great mill of fortune grinds more carefully on the special men and women destined to bear the heaviest human burdens.”
See, that moment when we are ready to collapse, ready to give in to the pressure and the pain that seems all consuming, is actually the moment when we can rise higher than ever before. We are not meant to wallow in the mire for all our existence. We are meant to push on, to fight through the sorrow and the suffering to become what we are meant to be. We can do it. We must do it. Our souls depend on it and others too.
We are destined for greatness, you and I. We are designed by an all knowing and loving creator who knows the best way to mold us into the champions of goodness and light we are to become. Hence it becomes more than critical to push on. When all energy is consumed, when all hope seems lost, when everything is falling apart, that is when the Lord steps in and lifts us higher.
We won't achieve greatness by giving up or giving in. We are given that honor when we have fought the good fight, when we have finished the course and we have kept the faith (see 2 Timothy 4:7).
Don't give up.
Albert R. Lyman once wrote: “Sturdy stuff is not developed in a soft cradle. Strong souls are born in adversity and schooled in hardship, and the great mill of fortune grinds more carefully on the special men and women destined to bear the heaviest human burdens.”
See, that moment when we are ready to collapse, ready to give in to the pressure and the pain that seems all consuming, is actually the moment when we can rise higher than ever before. We are not meant to wallow in the mire for all our existence. We are meant to push on, to fight through the sorrow and the suffering to become what we are meant to be. We can do it. We must do it. Our souls depend on it and others too.
We are destined for greatness, you and I. We are designed by an all knowing and loving creator who knows the best way to mold us into the champions of goodness and light we are to become. Hence it becomes more than critical to push on. When all energy is consumed, when all hope seems lost, when everything is falling apart, that is when the Lord steps in and lifts us higher.
We won't achieve greatness by giving up or giving in. We are given that honor when we have fought the good fight, when we have finished the course and we have kept the faith (see 2 Timothy 4:7).
Don't give up.
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