All I really want in life is to do the right thing. Call it a personality quirk or a long-standing devotion to principle, but I can't make a move without knowing I'm on the correct course. I have read account after account in the scriptures of what happens to people who don't follow the Lord's counsel in all things and the few circumstances where someone does.
Nothing scares me more now than the future for me and my family. I never had to worry before about myself since most jobs afford a person the money needed for self-sustainment, but not very many supply the funds for a family. How will I be able to pay for their existence? How will I take care of their needs?
Yet there comes another factor - what other needs are there besides money? I have spiritual and mental nourishment to consider. They need me in the home so a long hour job, even with good pay, is out of the question. So what do I do?
The harder part is that asking the Lord requires faith, which I lack so often including now. I have been so wrong so many times on revelation and spiritual insight that basing career and family decisions off of it seems ludicrous and worthless from the world's perspective. Wrong before equals wrong again.
My father reminded me of such moments from the past and asked me to not trust my "feelings" on this one. He has valid points. I'm a nearly 27 year old man with a wife and three children who hasn't even made it through half of college yet. I was in tears during and after our conversation, not for his lack of understanding, but for the pain and anguish I felt over my poor abilities to discern the Spirit correctly.
I JUST WANT TO FOLLOW GOD'S PLAN FOR ME!!! Why does that have to be the hardest thing just to discover? I am reading and studying and praying and though I am sure I could do all those things more often and better I am doing them! Doesn't that count for something? Doesn't it mean anything?
I really just want God to come and tell me it will all be okay. That I was wrong before, maybe not on all things, but that I'll be okay now. I exposed too much of the spiritual parts of my past to others that all my flaws in that department are on display and I am now unable to find any ground to stand on when talking to them. I am left on my own.
I believe I am following the right course. I have hope that I have heard the Spirit even if it is only for a moment. I will take what I can and move forward. I just wish it didn't sting so bad and that, perhaps, I had just kept my mouth shut all those times when I thought I had felt the Spirit and even those times when I really had. I think that will have to be the way from now on.
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