This has without a doubt been the toughest semester for me yet. I had one where my son was in the hospital for almost two weeks and I withdrew. I had others where things got tough, but none where I had to persevere like this time.
What started off with great potential, began to drag on and on. First my wife became pregnant and unlike a complicated miscarriage from before, it seemed smooth sailing. My teachers were enthusiastic and intelligent (still are, really), my classes doable and the road ahead getting more stable. Or so I thought.
Then, in late January, my wife's morning sickness started worsening. I was a bit of a strain, but I figured I could deal with it - and perhaps I could have if it had been that alone. My grandfather, a wonderful man and teacher, passed away in the middle of February. It took a toll on my I hadn't expected and wasn't ready for.
Worsening the effects were Steph's inability to feel better. Her nausea kept her tied to the couch for nearly three months - we are just getting out of it now in April. I had to balance work, school, housework and my grief while taking care of her and the kids at night and early morning. Until I went and saw my counselor I assumed that perhaps I was just not managing my time and life correctly. He, in true psychological wisdom, explained that anyone in my situation would be breaking down as well or worse.
Needless to say, it has been extreme and I am ready for it to be over, but I feel I have been given a glimpse of a few precious other things more important to my life.
I am eternally grateful for an employer who is understanding and kinds towards my circumstances. Last semester, when we were still trying to keep the prior "pregnancy" (might have been a blighted ovum, don't know) alive, she would always say to me, "Take care of your family first" whenever I had to ask for time off. She maintains that same stance now - she knows the importance of the family.
I am also grateful for the faith of my wife. She is nervous about finances and family things at times, but she keeps going and does her best in all places. It hurt not having her able to help much, but knowing her commitment and love for me and the family helped sustain me.
As I started this post, I had my son and daughter up against me. I had to stay home today from a sinus infection (I've eaten nothing but crap this past week) and then as I started feeling better, my wife fell ill. I have been taking care of her and missed more class and work, but I have begun to understand something - God is taking care of this family and me.
He doesn't make it easy - to be sure. I have had to claw my way out of depression, OCD, scholastic troubles, financial struggles and illnesses. I had to figure out where I stood in relation to my wife, my house, my schooling and more. But through it all has been the undeniable and clear message - take care of your family first and do what else you can second; nevertheless, the Lord will take care of you and provide what you lack.
My teachers have given me the needed leniency to finish classes I'm behind in. The school has verified I have Financial Aid through Fall semester and can petition for the final semester to be taken care of too. My wife and I have been bonding and supporting each other in new ways - I have begun to talk to her about my needs and struggles and she has been waiting to hear that stuff for years. It just took pushing me to my limit to force it out of me.
Isn't it funny how the way we grow best is being broken down and built back up piece by piece? I know God watches out for this family and for me. He loves us and has been providing what I cannot. Even when I fail to give my all (we all make mistakes), he still strengthens and uplifts us. It is He and my family that matter - anything else is merely an appendage.
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