Happy Easter! Seems a good day for the next atonement post.
So I'm sitting at the table with my family. I cooked a spiral ham, roll, and roasted red potatoes, and was starting to enjoy it when my middle daughter starts pitching a fit. At first I didn't think much of it. She'd just woken up 15 minutes ago so she was bound to be a little cranky. But then she said something that startled me - "My roll is broken."
Recently in the news, (and all over Facebook), there has been a story about a "heroic Chili's waitress" which features a picture of an autistic girl kissing her burger. The story says the restaurant made her burger and cut it in half (as was customary for children's meals) before taking it to the table. When it got there the girl said, "it’s broken, I need a new one." The waitress refused the parents' offer to pay for a new one and picked up the part crying, "I brought you a broken cheeseburger? I am so sorry, I’ll get you another one." In the end, the child kissed the new "whole" cheeseburger and was happy.
Already having one child diagnosed on the autism spectrum, we've been watching Sophie carefully. Stephanie has seen more symptoms than I - since I'm rarely home - and this was probably my most impressive example. Her words immediately brought that news story to mind and I knew we had another one.
We spent the next 20 minutes trying to convince, persuade, console, correct, discipline, and explain away the issue - clearly missing the example from the story of going along with the whole "broken thing" and replacing it. It's not like we were short on rolls (I just put away the rest of dinner and around seven or eight went in a bag). I guess both my wife and I felt it more important to make her current roll work regardless. Another 10 minutes or so later she'd finally had a couple bites of it and left the table.
So what does my almost three year old with suspected asperger's syndrome have to do with the atonement of Jesus Christ? Everything.
One of the heaviest weights on my mind is the raising of my children. When my own selfish needs are met, I quickly start viewing the future. I see them going through public school, attending college, serving church missions, getting married and children of their own. I also see all the mistakes coming due to my poor guidance and preparation. I see them rebelling because of my overbearance or losing faith because I didn't anticipate the unique obstacles of each child.
Truth is, no matter how well read we might be, no matter how much thought we might give, no matter how much we try, we'll never be able to prepare them against everything coming. Oh don't get me wrong - we'll get them ready to be on their own and learn from mistakes, but there will be mistakes. Gobs of them.
My children's salvation does not depend entirely on my parenting style nor my method of discipline, but rather on the knowledge of Jesus Christ. They will be saved as we are saved - through repentance and faith on our Savior. Our small role as parents is providing living examples of good and teaching them how to apply the atonement in their own lives. Which means we must learn to apply it in our own.
I think of all my struggles in life, this one is the hardest. It isn't that I don't believe in the atonement, but I don't have a strong experience with it. My testimony will grow and grow over the years, but since I was raised in the Church, I don't have a strong transformation moment or dramatic change from pre-gospel to post-gospel living. It is just a gradual build from one life experience to the next. So while I believe in it strongly, I must continue to have faith without much evidence - though I guess that's the point isn't it?
I do try to apply the atonement in my life. I ask for the guidance of my Heavenly Father often and especially in difficult times. I feel I am at least average at apologizing after my mistakes are known (to me). I try to apologize to my children when I wrong them so they might know everyone sins and everyone can say sorry. I know as time goes on I will do better and have a deeper understanding of the atonement.
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