Remembering

I don't know for sure why I am writing this, but when the idea first struck me I nearly burst into tears and knew it had to be done.

This is about my transcripts from college. I needed to verify a date for some paperwork and felt that my class schedule at that time would tell the tale. I didn't know how many tales it would tell.

Throughout public school, my parents "rode" on me about straight A's - anything less was unacceptable and showed I wasn't working hard*. I ended with a 3.50 GPA, but that was a bit of a failure and a success on my part - I graduated, but my grades were never perfect.

I made it to college and at the university started out with a 3.59 the first quarter. That was higher than my high school GPA and noteworthy, but it was the highest I'd ever get for a "full load" of classes.

As I read through the grades on my transcript today, I became misty eyed looking at some of the lower marks. I knew the pain those came from - the heartache that existed every day as I went to class. Each one telling a story of who I was at the time and the struggle each day was**. Here's what I saw in them:

I saw the string of W's (withdraws) from the semester my son was born and went to the hospital for a week because of low oxygen levels. I remember the uncertainty as I went to there to check on him each day, hoping they'd find the problem (they never did). It caused my faith, my self-esteem, my everything to be called into question and I quit that term to regroup

I saw the E, D, D-, and B- from my next semester (my "triumphant" return). I remember the power I gained during it as I started to learn to love myself since God did. My grades didn't do well, but I was becoming stronger. Also, I saw the B- was in a psychology math class and knew that math was always a good call for me.

I saw my next batch, much better, but the E (BYU uses E's instead of F's) from "Marriage Enhancement" ended my eligibility for aid and I couldn't pay for my own tuition. The course title also tells how terrible I was as a husband at the time. It was a rough time for me (our next child was approaching) and I wish I could hug my back-then-self and whisper the words of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland in my ear, "Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead," (see video).

I saw the year of uncertainty. I worked at a warehouse now and thought perhaps it would be my life since school had kicked me out. An older worker (in his 50's) was still there and would not get to retire because he hadn't been with the company long enough. I felt dumb (my sister was finishing college, my other sister in school still, my parents and grandparents graduates) and destined to live a life of grunt work and little rest.

I saw when I discovered a way back. The transcript shows a single A- for an online course. That summer, I took Calculus 1 for the third time (twice in high school) and with some divine intervention was reinstated with good enough standing to have aid again. It was nice to take a course I knew I could pass and didn't even need to be there the whole time.

I looked at the grades and remembered.

I remember crying to myself because I couldn't, wouldn't share my feelings with my wife. I remember the pain of feeling like a failure to my parents, my spouse, my children. I remember the thought that I was not smart and not capable. I remember feeling cursed by God and man. I remember darkness in my chest and mind.

I wept with my past self and the struggles I went through. I kept thinking of the hurt I experienced and I sorrowed for my unspoken pains and my therefore unmet needs.

I guess part of this post was to finally acknowledge my own personal hell from the last several years. College was not a series of frat parties, hundreds of dates, and excitement of finding out who my significant other was. I got married before even starting school. School for me was getting through to support my ever-growing family. It was to make sure I was preparing for the future and it was HARD. Wow was it hard!



Then I remembered the light gradually illuminating the way.



Slowly God showed me who I was, what I was capable of, and how to leave my current situation. He never made it easier. In fact, IT GOT HARDER as time went on. But He inspired me and told my heart things to help me move through the pain and finish what I started. This is what I see in the grades now:

I see my soul being instructed and uplifted by deity. I see the hand of God taking me into the depths of my personal hell to then lift me out and help me find higher ground. I see my grades go up as I found courage to leave my high paying job*** and focus more on school. I see him instructing me on balance as I am forced to give up my Spanish courses to finish college.

I see Him blessing me and my wife with just enough to survive on so that we would learn to rely on him more. I see the courage of my wife to accept her husband's choice to leave the third major promising a $60,000+ salary to take on the role of high school teacher. I see the hand of the Lord in choosing caring instructors to help me when needed by both giving extended due dates and advice.

I see the inspiration in my student teaching position and the knowledge of loving my students given me by the teacher. I see the LOVE that God has for me and wants me to share with my students. I see a father in heaven who cares for me more than I know.

Then, I see the promised blessing as the last grade is recorded (Pass) and the transcript ends. I see the awarded degree and know that it was ONLY through God that I succeeded and he wanted me to have that blessed knowledge forever.

Life is still not easy. With five children (latest born a few weeks ago), lots of debt from school, selling our old home because we moved out of town, my first year of teaching****, and the pressures of everyday life, how could it be easy? I don't think it was meant to be.

We learn from pain and from struggle. The greatest lesson ever learned was by our Savior who went through all pain and suffering to know each of us. Because He went through Gethsemane and Golgotha, we have a friend and companion for any trial.

I know He still watches over my family and myself. I witness his miracles all the time in my life and if I just take a moment to see and remember his good works, I will be able to smile and trust Him because He has loved me and watched over me already.

J. Justin Draper

FOOTNOTES:

*Disclaimer - that is a mixed bag of fun. I didn't work very hard in high school and my grades went downhill (though not below b's for the most part). My parents meant well and I know I wasn't doing my "best", but the pressure and the lack of approval hurt more than helped on some things. So yes, they were accurate, but no they didn't tell the whole story.

**For those who don't know, I suffered through some serious problems in college psychologically and physically. I had to battle depression from multiple sources while fighting food allergies and blood sugar issues (all were discovered during college). It took a serious toll on my relationship with my wife and my ability to function - both at home and in the classroom. Though I always had strength to work.

***I was earning ~ $32,000 a year. For a college student that is fantastic. I now earn that with a B.S. in Math Education. But at least I don't carry 100's of pounds of steel around all day anymore

****In your first year you must learn to plan lessons, appropriately make and administer tests, teach more than a year's material in less time than a school year (assemblies, events, and such), get the students state tested on stuff you may or may not have covered in time, discipline students (which is more a routine and love thing), and many more. Worst of all, you still have to prove you are worthy of being a teacher by filling out paperwork for your "level 2" licensure, recertification, and more. Oh, and no matter how good of a program you come from, the college experience doesn't come close to preparing you for it.

The Atonement II - My Children's Salvation

Happy Easter! Seems a good day for the next atonement post.

So I'm sitting at the table with my family. I cooked a spiral ham, roll, and roasted red potatoes, and was starting to enjoy it when my middle daughter starts pitching a fit. At first I didn't think much of it. She'd just woken up 15 minutes ago so she was bound to be a little cranky. But then she said something that startled me - "My roll is broken."

Recently in the news, (and all over Facebook), there has been a story about a "heroic Chili's waitress" which features a picture of an autistic girl kissing her burger. The story says the restaurant made her burger and cut it in half (as was customary for children's meals) before taking it to the table. When it got there the girl said, "it’s broken, I need a new one." The waitress refused the parents' offer to pay for a new one and picked up the part crying, "I brought you a broken cheeseburger? I am so sorry, I’ll get you another one." In the end, the child kissed the new "whole" cheeseburger and was happy.

Already having one child diagnosed on the autism spectrum, we've been watching Sophie carefully. Stephanie has seen more symptoms than I - since I'm rarely home - and this was probably my most impressive example. Her words immediately brought that news story to mind and I knew we had another one.

We spent the next 20 minutes trying to convince, persuade, console, correct, discipline, and explain away the issue - clearly missing the example from the story of going along with the whole "broken thing" and replacing it. It's not like we were short on rolls (I just put away the rest of dinner and around seven or eight went in a bag). I guess both my wife and I felt it more important to make her current roll work regardless. Another 10 minutes or so later she'd finally had a couple bites of it and left the table.

So what does my almost three year old with suspected asperger's syndrome have to do with the atonement of Jesus Christ? Everything.

One of the heaviest weights on my mind is the raising of my children. When my own selfish needs are met, I quickly start viewing the future. I see them going through public school, attending college, serving church missions, getting married and children of their own. I also see all the mistakes coming due to my poor guidance and preparation. I see them rebelling because of my overbearance or losing faith because I didn't anticipate the unique obstacles of each child.

Truth is, no matter how well read we might be, no matter how much thought we might give, no matter how much we try, we'll never be able to prepare them against everything coming. Oh don't get me wrong - we'll get them ready to be on their own and learn from mistakes, but there will be mistakes. Gobs of them.

My children's salvation does not depend entirely on my parenting style nor my method of discipline, but rather on the knowledge of Jesus Christ. They will be saved as we are saved - through repentance and faith on our Savior. Our small role as parents is providing living examples of good and teaching them how to apply the atonement in their own lives. Which means we must learn to apply it in our own.

I think of all my struggles in life, this one is the hardest. It isn't that I don't believe in the atonement, but I don't have a strong experience with it. My testimony will grow and grow over the years, but since I was raised in the Church, I don't have a strong transformation moment or dramatic change from pre-gospel to post-gospel living. It is just a gradual build from one life experience to the next. So while I believe in it strongly, I must continue to have faith without much evidence - though I guess that's the point isn't it?

I do try to apply the atonement in my life. I ask for the guidance of my Heavenly Father often and especially in difficult times. I feel I am at least average at apologizing after my mistakes are known (to me). I try to apologize to my children when I wrong them so they might know everyone sins and everyone can say sorry. I know as time goes on I will do better and have a deeper understanding of the atonement.

The Atonement - Initial Thoughts

What does the atonement mean to me. I wondered as I stared at the computer screen. I'd heard it hundreds of times before and had plenty of Sunday school answers to back me up when questioned. But that wasn't what my Dad asked me this time. He wanted my take on it. He wanted to know my experience with it. I decided to write my first impressions and follow up later after giving it more thought.

So here is round one:


My life has mostly been consumed by school, work, and family of late. Since 2005 I have been trying to obtain some kind of bachelor's degree with varying success, but no actual document. As I finally draw to the end of my undergraduate career, what weighs heavily on my mind is what I've gone through as a person, as a father, a husband, and part of a couple.

Life hasn't exactly handed me a stack of money nor ease and comfort. I'm not saying I compare to starving people in third world countries and I certainly have always had a roof over my head. Some of you may, upon hearing what I've gone through, laugh and say how weak and pitiful I am. Yet, my challenges are my own and have caused me grief and struggle throughout my time on Earth. They belong to me in the most intimate manor possible.

Eons ago, we agreed to be part of this test called life. We volunteered to come down to this planet and experience all life had for us. While I'm not sure what possessed me to elect for lower to middle economic class for my station in life, I am sure that it is part of a grander plan for me.

Imagine a system set up so perfectly that each person in it is given exactly the kind of trials, temptations, and suffering that they can handle and have agency to choose the next course of action. Not that they'll be unscathed or able to avoid further pain, but that they have the ability to choose how to live their life under the circumstances given. For some of us the trials are physical, for some mental, and for all of us their are spiritual trials that must be faced and conquered.

I have faced my fair share of trials so far - not more than, nor less, but my fair share. I've dealt with physical trials in the form of allergies, asthma, weak joints, lack of sleep, lack of proper nutrition, etc. I've had to battle my own mental demons - depression, OCD, my Aspergian tendencies, and my paranoia about friendships (how they don't exit or break apart) - while trying to make relationships with my wife and children work.

Let me say this - that were it not for the atonement of Christ, the refiner's fire would have consumed my all. His support and His taking on my impurities while replacing them with his own goodness has allowed me to progress and become more and more clean and bright as time goes on. I am not a solid lump of gold by any means, but I am no longer a measly clump of metal and dirt. I have value built into me and increased by the grace of God. 

The atonement means I can face another day and know my family still has a chance to succeed because as long as I haven't given up, God is still supporting me. His Son knows all our pains and paid to know them at an infinite cost. His gift means I will be better tomorrow and each day after, because I choose to follow Him the best I can. My family is stronger now than ever because we continue to come through one challenge after another together. God's grace is sufficient that we might overcome all things.

From the 13th article of faith, "We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things."

The Vilification Nation

I have been given a chance to pause and reflect. It was during a Sunday school lesson about 3 Nephi - where the whole western hemisphere goes to pot. The teacher asked us to reflect on how the first seven chapters were a type and a shadow for today's world. During the class, someone brought up how Christ visited Nephi in spirit (spoke to him) the day before his birth and how it gave a stance for our abortion position (save that one for later). Seemed a politically charged comment, but the teacher wisely moved on.

All together this conjured up an image of our 2012 election year. I saw the intense hatred and horribly critical, if not downright damning, remarks about the candidates from both major parties. I thought of the immense quantity of negative ads that have been going on since early this year - first among Republicans, then between them and the Democrats. Sadly, very little actually drives home any real message of what the candidates plan or plan not to do.

President Obama

Governor Romney

What I realized in church is that, in reality, neither is the devil they've been turned into. Each is a hybrid of both good and bad qualities - like all of us. We have to learn to accept both sides of ourselves. Not that we choose to be stagnant with our quest for perfection, rather that we find peace with where we are today and hope for where we'll be tomorrow.

Similarly, our current candidates are humans striving (as we can only hope) to be a little better each day. As long as they are working to be more than they've been, they are good people and deserve respect and perhaps a moment of our time and consideration - not venomous vitriol and hurtful slander.

The criticism does accomplish one thing - they villainize. They take a person (yes, politicians are people too) and rather than speak of them as a human being, they transform them into a monster. I watched as President Obama went from a well meaning idealist to a evil communist who wants to destroy Christianity and the American dream. I then saw Governor Romney changed from the man who saved the Olympics and a brilliant business man to the evil multimillionaire who just wants to further expand the clutches of the wicked wall street conglomerates and his other business buddies.  I am sad to say that I have been a part of it. I have passed on cutting jokes against "the other side" and listened to the rhetoric spewed by my own. I didn't take the time to learn positions from the party web sites or listening to speeches. I essentially was one more fool on the gossip train.

Since realizing my weakness, I have listened to both presidential convention speeches and visited the party sites. I plan on doing more to make sure I really understand what I am choosing and what the other option is. Neither is pure evil (contrary to angry web commentators), but there is a choice to be made and the only way to responsibly do it is to read, listen and learn from the parties what their own agenda and platforms are. 

I hope to be a better follower of Christ in this election process and not get sucked further into the vilification process this fall. 

I hope you may do likewise.

What Really, Really Matters

This has without a doubt been the toughest semester for me yet. I had one where my son was in the hospital for almost two weeks and I withdrew. I had others where things got tough, but none where I had to persevere like this time.

What started off with great potential, began to drag on and on. First my wife became pregnant and unlike a complicated miscarriage from before, it seemed smooth sailing. My teachers were enthusiastic and intelligent (still are, really), my classes doable and the road ahead getting more stable. Or so I thought.

Then, in late January, my wife's morning sickness started worsening. I was a bit of a strain, but I figured I could deal with it - and perhaps I could have if it had been that alone. My grandfather, a wonderful man and teacher, passed away in the middle of February. It took a toll on my I hadn't expected and wasn't ready for.

Worsening the effects were Steph's inability to feel better. Her nausea kept her tied to the couch for nearly three months - we are just getting out of it now in April. I had to balance work, school, housework and my grief while taking care of her and the kids at night and early morning. Until I went and saw my counselor I assumed that perhaps I was just not managing my time and life correctly. He, in true psychological wisdom, explained that anyone in my situation would be breaking down as well or worse.

Needless to say, it has been extreme and I am ready for it to be over, but I feel I have been given a glimpse of a few precious other things more important to my life.

I am eternally grateful for an employer who is understanding and kinds towards my circumstances. Last semester, when we were still trying to keep the prior "pregnancy" (might have been a blighted ovum, don't know) alive, she would always say to me, "Take care of your family first" whenever I had to ask for time off. She maintains that same stance now - she knows the importance of the family.

I am also grateful for the faith of my wife. She is nervous about finances and family things at times, but she keeps going and does her best in all places. It hurt not having her able to help much, but knowing her commitment and love for me and the family helped sustain me.

As I started this post, I had my son and daughter up against me. I had to stay home today from a sinus infection (I've eaten nothing but crap this past week) and then as I started feeling better, my wife fell ill. I have been taking care of her and missed more class and work, but I have begun to understand something - God is taking care of this family and me.

He doesn't make it easy - to be sure. I have had to claw my way out of depression, OCD, scholastic troubles, financial struggles and illnesses. I had to figure out where I stood in relation to my wife, my house, my schooling and more. But through it all has been the undeniable and clear message - take care of your family first and do what else you can second; nevertheless, the Lord will take care of you and provide what you lack.

My teachers have given me the needed leniency to finish classes I'm behind in. The school has verified I have Financial Aid through Fall semester and can petition for the final semester to be taken care of too. My wife and I have been bonding and supporting each other in new ways - I have begun to talk to her about my needs and struggles and she has been waiting to hear that stuff for years. It just took pushing me to my limit to force it out of me.

Isn't it funny how the way we grow best is being broken down and built back up piece by piece? I know God watches out for this family and for me. He loves us and has been providing what I cannot. Even when I fail to give my all (we all make mistakes), he still strengthens and uplifts us. It is He and my family that matter - anything else is merely an appendage.