What Really, Really Matters

This has without a doubt been the toughest semester for me yet. I had one where my son was in the hospital for almost two weeks and I withdrew. I had others where things got tough, but none where I had to persevere like this time.

What started off with great potential, began to drag on and on. First my wife became pregnant and unlike a complicated miscarriage from before, it seemed smooth sailing. My teachers were enthusiastic and intelligent (still are, really), my classes doable and the road ahead getting more stable. Or so I thought.

Then, in late January, my wife's morning sickness started worsening. I was a bit of a strain, but I figured I could deal with it - and perhaps I could have if it had been that alone. My grandfather, a wonderful man and teacher, passed away in the middle of February. It took a toll on my I hadn't expected and wasn't ready for.

Worsening the effects were Steph's inability to feel better. Her nausea kept her tied to the couch for nearly three months - we are just getting out of it now in April. I had to balance work, school, housework and my grief while taking care of her and the kids at night and early morning. Until I went and saw my counselor I assumed that perhaps I was just not managing my time and life correctly. He, in true psychological wisdom, explained that anyone in my situation would be breaking down as well or worse.

Needless to say, it has been extreme and I am ready for it to be over, but I feel I have been given a glimpse of a few precious other things more important to my life.

I am eternally grateful for an employer who is understanding and kinds towards my circumstances. Last semester, when we were still trying to keep the prior "pregnancy" (might have been a blighted ovum, don't know) alive, she would always say to me, "Take care of your family first" whenever I had to ask for time off. She maintains that same stance now - she knows the importance of the family.

I am also grateful for the faith of my wife. She is nervous about finances and family things at times, but she keeps going and does her best in all places. It hurt not having her able to help much, but knowing her commitment and love for me and the family helped sustain me.

As I started this post, I had my son and daughter up against me. I had to stay home today from a sinus infection (I've eaten nothing but crap this past week) and then as I started feeling better, my wife fell ill. I have been taking care of her and missed more class and work, but I have begun to understand something - God is taking care of this family and me.

He doesn't make it easy - to be sure. I have had to claw my way out of depression, OCD, scholastic troubles, financial struggles and illnesses. I had to figure out where I stood in relation to my wife, my house, my schooling and more. But through it all has been the undeniable and clear message - take care of your family first and do what else you can second; nevertheless, the Lord will take care of you and provide what you lack.

My teachers have given me the needed leniency to finish classes I'm behind in. The school has verified I have Financial Aid through Fall semester and can petition for the final semester to be taken care of too. My wife and I have been bonding and supporting each other in new ways - I have begun to talk to her about my needs and struggles and she has been waiting to hear that stuff for years. It just took pushing me to my limit to force it out of me.

Isn't it funny how the way we grow best is being broken down and built back up piece by piece? I know God watches out for this family and for me. He loves us and has been providing what I cannot. Even when I fail to give my all (we all make mistakes), he still strengthens and uplifts us. It is He and my family that matter - anything else is merely an appendage.

Finding My Other Half - Dealing with Loss

No, I already have my spouse. This isn't about finding someone to fulfill my life - it's about finding the other half of my soul. And just in time.

Last week I was chatting it up at work with one of the Math Lab secretaries and the topic turned to Asperger's Syndrome. Seems she is going to marry a man who was only just diagnosed with it a year ago and she has done a lot of research on the subject. She couldn't quite see the symptoms in me. I showed her this blog and her first response was "That's a very Aspy title." I convinced her I was a recovering social misfit.

One thing she pointed out during our conversation was that Aspergians use the logic side of the brain almost exclusively (especially with social situations) and most neuro-typical people oscillate between that and the creative/artsy side. It struck a chord with me. I knew it was true and while walking to another building on campus, I pondered how I could get more in touch with my more emotional side. The answer was practically instant and came from my patriarchal blessing - music.

I said a quick thank you towards Heaven and continued onward towards my appointment.

This morning I woke up to my mother calling me. She said my grandfather passed away last night. I was numb about it for a while and even went to clean the church building (part of my church calling) this morning. Afterwards the bomb dropped.

The weight of untenable emotions was dragging me down. My wife was anticipating it and told me to cancel my tutoring jobs for the day. Shortly afterwards I pulled out the sheet music for "His Hands" by Kenneth Cope. I started playing and tried to be as tender as possible. I got to the part with "his hands would serve his whole life through..." and started choking up. By the time I was two-thirds of way through the chorus I broke down sobbing into the keys of my old, out-of-tune piano.

I am grateful to my Father in Heaven for watching over me and sending a tender mercy right when I needed it more than ever. I haven't had a person close to me die yet and with my lack of emotional dealings I wouldn't have been able to survive the weekend. God does love us and watches over each of us.

Friends Lost Along the Way

I was looking at a friend on Facebook today and watched in sorrow as I saw his life in photos and "interests." It has never ceased to amaze me how similar people are in habit and mind when they are a similar distance from the Church. After serving a mission for two years and watching my old friends from high school and my old ward move on with their lives I can't help but notice the things going on with each of them in their lives.

Some are struggling with faith and family. They work hard at their jobs and schooling while doing their best to remain true to their religion and honor. Their interactions with the world fall along the lines of disgruntled comments and occasional high notes. I feel sad for their afflictions, but am ever so grateful to know they are still involved in the truth.

Others are removed from the faith of their fathers in a big way. They aren't actively fighting against it, but they are keeping themselves away as much as possible. I saw one in dozens of pictures of bars, holding cigarettes and alcohol. His film and music lists were full of R&B songs, Rap, scandalous television and adult themed movies. Another has been living with a girlfriend for years with no sign of a marriage proposal nor change in arrangements. Yet another has several tattoos proudly shown off as he drinks and makes inappropriate gestures towards the camera. It goes on and on...

Please don't mistake me for a prude. I am a sinful person like everyone else. I struggle with my own individual temptations and addictions (not drugs or sex, just very habitual things like video games). My point was merely the reflection on life choices and how stark the difference is between those who remain active and those who don't. Nearly everything I've ever been warned against or taught about is clearly seen in their Facebook accounts alone - drugs, premarital sex, inappropriate music and videos, homosexuality and so on.

Today our lesson in priesthood was on the little things that distract us from where we want to be and how the devil leads us with a flaxen cord down to Hell. These people I have been speaking of once went to church with me on Sundays, once went to seminary with me during the week, and once attending youth activities like dances and retreats. They followed the tugs and prods of the world and now they are lost and wandering in pain and sorrow. You can see it in their eyes and in the words they speak. They are hurting and won't look to the one source that could heal their pain - Christ.

I hope that others might see this pattern before it is too late. They say if you miss three Sundays in a row you are inactive. I believe it. You lose sight of what is important so quickly you don't even recognize it until years later and then you don't care. Don't lose sight of who you are and what you are here for. There is a purpose to this life and it is not pain and blindness. The purpose of this life is joy and growth and returning to our Lord and God with a countenance much more like theirs.

We are children of God. Remember who you are.

A Parent's Pain - A Child's Asthma

Sadie at grandparents, suffering allergies and asthma

I don't think anyone is ready for the shock of chronic problems in their lives. I think even fewer of us are ready for the hit that comes from learning our child is suffering. It could be that I am just a little under the weather right now (I do feel a cold starting) or that I am stressed out by work and school. I feel, though, that the realization that my daughter has asthma and how it will affect her from now it on, is really sinking in.

I was up in an Abstract Algebra class and lost all ability to focus for a while. It feels like a panic attack in progress how much it hurts right now. What do I do for my poor three year old who struggles to breathe? I know the routines - I was that three year old for my parents, so I understand the mechanics of the situation. The emotional impact, however, I don't know or understand fully.

This reminds me of when our older son was diagnosed with Asperger's. It was not unexpected. We had been talking to other people for months and researching and exploring. Still, when the doctor finally said, "He has Asperger's" it was not something we were ready for. Within days, both Steph and I had bawled our eyes out over the situation and the concerns and fears and all us that comes from it. Perhaps we had been hoping for a different outcome, a new diagnosis we hadn't considered. We are now looking at it more as a blessing for him (he gets to be a genius and not care so much what other people think - cool!) instead of the curse it seemed a year ago.

Sadie's asthma? I'm having a hard time with this one. People die from this disease, suffer for decades, are restricted from certain activities and so on. I know. I was there. From my youngest years of walking through today, I have suffered with this disease. She inherited it from me - so I know almost everything that she is going through and will go through. We even have new tools to fight it (see other blog). It doesn't change how I feel though.
 

Caleb in the hospital, 2-3 weeks old

It is like when Caleb was in the hospital for a week when he was just days old. It was so hard. We never knew what the problem was (hospital tests never figured it out). He just ended up on an oxygen mask for a month at home. We cried so much during that time. 

Now I want to break down and cry again. My little baby girl is sick - in a more permanent way. She won't magically get better in a week or two. She'll struggle with this perhaps her whole life. I always wanted her to be healthy and happy and do whatever she wants in life. This can have a significant impact on that. The image of her with the nebulizer mask on gives me a pain of sorrow and deep empathy for her. I love my daughter.

Again, logically I know she'll be alright, but it doesn't change how I feel. There are medicines and oils and methods for keeping her alive and sound. My trial now is to trust in God. To know that he gave her this trial, like he gave it to me, for a purpose in her life.

Tragedy to Triumph

from deseretnews.com

I remember seeing the fire at the Provo Tabernacle several months ago. It was heartbreaking for many, including me.  YouTube videos of the scene had people sobbing their eyes out over the tragedy. And it truly was one. This building served as sacred meeting house, concert hall and public gathering place on holidays. It seemed that nothing could really make everything all right again. Restoring it screamed, "Why did it happen?" and demolishing and building something else was just depressing.

Well, as usually happens in this Church, tragedy is just God's way of preparing things for the future. Provo has been swamped in temple work. With the MTC next door, BYU students in large quantities and a generally high percentage of faithful temple going LDS saints in the neighborhood, Provo Temple has been past capacity for a time now. It has been a blessing to many, including our family, but it isn't able to serve everyone who wants to use it. But where would another temple go?

Enter the prophet. President Thomas S. Monson comes into the session today and literally shocks thousands by announcing the tabernacle's outside would be restored and turned into the second Provo Temple! My wife and I were jumping out of our seats and craning our necks to hear over our children's noises. This is the second time a city has been given two temples in history. Absolutely fantastic!

from KSL.com

It is a blessing and a privilege to live near a coming temple. The neighborhood will become more beautiful over the years and the spirituality of the area will become increased. That is a great miracle for this town. God is watching over us and is doing great things. I LOVE CONFERENCE!

POST SCRIPT: Note the steeple on the computer image. That was on the original tabernacle, but the structure couldn't support it. Having a big open area underneath for meetings meant less support. They condemned the building twice for it. They finally tore it down and left the structure without a center spire until it burned down. With the new temple design, the steeple will have support underneath and can be put back like in the original - just this time with an angel on top!